Sunday, November 29, 2009
I NEED TO COME TO A FRKIN DECISION
Omg this is so mind-fucking I want to meet Derek but I have a quiz to study for tomorrow but I want to meet Derek cos in 12 days' time the government plans to take him away from me but my quiz is graded but Derek will be botak and clothed in ugly army uniform soon but I know nothing about investment but it's TWELVE DAYS LEFT OMG sigh........................ Full of mind-fucking decisions.I think I should refrain from using so much vulgarities... Since my little cousins are friends with me on Facebook they could stumble over my blog anytime.
Ok I will force myself to come to a decision in 15 minutes max.
Friday, November 27, 2009
You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies
Looks like some high class place we went to but it's only Aston's at The Cathay where chicken with two sides only cost $6.50. Check out Peishi's normally very ugly face - last picture.
My bodyclock's really screwed up I've been out almost every night for the week, sneaking back home at 6am/7am and I have a very gross neck now with a bad pimple outbreak so bad that it looks like I'm going puberty all over again but no it's only because I've been lacking ALOT of sleep. You see? This is what happens when we don't go out at sightly hours when the sun's still up.
I thought I would be spending Elearning catching up on school, least to say I'm queen of procrastination and I foresee myself to be panicking at the 11th hour when I have to complete everything by this week. Since I haven't started.
Gonnna be seeing the the usuals later at EWF leh.
Excited. ^^v
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
You want to know what's the hardest part about this whole issue right now?It's about how you guys look at me now. You guys, as in people I give a shit about. I won't give even care like some motherfucking loser that stalks my life think about how I am la ok it's like YOU ARE MY FRIEND WHY DO YOU FUCKING THINK OF ME THAT WAY?
JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE THOUGHT THAT S AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN FOREVER TOGETHER AND LIKE FUCK THAT IDEA ALREADY OK I'M FUCKING SICK OF HOW I EVEN HAD TO PUT UP A HAPPY FRONT TO SAVE MYSELF DRAMA WHILE I WAS STILL WITH HIM SO I COULD CONTINUE TO STICK TO MY SICK IDEA THAT I KNEW WOULDN'T WORK OUT ANYWAY.
WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING FOR AN EXPLANATION ANYWAY?!
FUCK.
I hardly even question myself about how I feel. I know you care, you care if I'm taking the wrong step because yes you care for me but who's gonna be all that 99% sure that things would work out the moment you start out?
It's about how skeptical everyone is about how I feel. All those, 'this is only a rebound', 'it's a replacement', 'it's a fling', 'you're just using him to spite your ex'... Do you honestly see me that way? Do you think it's fair of you to think of the latter that way? Why does everyone only think about how S feel and not how the current feels mistreated because of my still-very-complicated-and-(in everyone's opinion)-unstable situation?
It's probably my fault on my part that I had too much pride in the way to show how distant I already was in that long term relationship. I was already over it, when I was still in it. Why isn't anyone happy for me that I am happier?
If no one harped on my past, all these wouldn't even be neccessary. I am aware it takes some time for the idea to sink in. Obviously I want the best for myself, and I am obviously doing this for what I deem as best, because you don't understand how much more I want myself to be happy than you want me to.
Idk how you may feel at the end of this post but to conclude it all I am happy that you are concerned for me, and that you want the best for me and I love you for that. If you think this is a mistake then let me be and realise it is indeed a mistake when it goes the wrong way and just let me get crushed then I'll learn the hard way.
But what most of you are doing now suffocates me.
I'm just so tired of explanations.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
It's been this long a time when I suddenly feel like I've lost control of my own life. I'd always been in control, regardless of the many mixed emotions I may feel.Should I realise recently, that indeed I am a closet control freak when it comes to planning out my life and how I don't take spontaenous ideas to mind - more like ideas that I didn't expect coming my way. Someone that really understood me pointed this out and maybe that was why I held on so tight to ideas I used to believe in, and that was why it took me so long to let go of something I was so comfortable and habitual to.
How I always told myself never to take the initiative, how I always thought things would happen if they had to... I realise to make things happen you fight for it, and you do what it takes.
The doc said my headache was due to tension. He said I was stressed. So it's true that my emotional stress is the cause of it, looking at how things got so complicated of late; things are happening faster than how much I can absorb.
What's been happening still doesn't feel real. I guess anticipation gets the better of me when I pictured the aftermath of a seperation to be pretty negative. Truth is, I'm actually happier. In a lot of ways.
The best things come when you least expect it. Hopefully not thinking and worrying too much on this decision would be right for once.
And hopefully, neither of us gets hurt along the way.
Friday, November 20, 2009
This was the F21 loot that burnt my account with the overdraft interest. I still feel pissed ok. (looks two/three posts down)
These were a few of my recent shots.
Okay... not really a few.
This is Gabby. She's super adorable and very annoying at the same time.
And this is the elder brother, Nicholas. He just demostrated the epitome of an ugly face.
This was at Marina Barrage, hours ago.
Some photos from the portfolio that I personally like, and some others that were randomly snapped while I was out. Some taken a long way back... but I was too preoccupied with myself to keep up with posting them up.
There's a whole load of CR2 files I can't open with my Photoshop CS3 and it makes me wanna stab myself dry so wasted!!!!!!!!!
Anyway. I'm so happy that Photog is finally over and done with!!! You know how they say something is only fun when it isn't a commitment? Yes I'm glad I'm not a design student and being stuck in Banking is definitely way better than being stuck in some godforsaken design course it's just really not for me. Didn't help that it's been the monsoon season of late. Everyone that accompanies me to locations to take photos, we end up being distracted when the weather started to suck and we do things like shopping, talking, exploring new places, eating ice cream etc. No doubt it was fun but.. stressful uh. At least I can gloat on the fact that I don't need to go back for IS next week while it's Elearning.
I've been having this headache for close to a week and as stubborn as I've always been.. I refuse to see the doc simply bcos I've been too lazy.
Ok the sharp pain is coming back again.
I'm going to see the doc tmr it's fucking mind-torturing... Have to skip school I just msged Peh hopefully she's not pissed. :(
I think my headache was caused by too much emotional stress.
Monday, November 16, 2009
No traces, without these traces
Hinfan's belated 20th equation:Shouting 'PENIS' out of the car window + Dempsey + Timbre Arts House + Spending a whole load of cash = an unexpectedly good saturday night for the mood I was in that day.
Seemed like Weiru was pretty high from being only slightly tipsy that night.. From the wallet-biting photos to really going crazy with me when we shouted PENIS so loudly in public that Hinfan didn't want to walk with us, nor did he want to let us in his car. Mean hor. WE GOT HIM ASICS FOR PRESENT SOMEMORE TREAT US LIKE THAT!!
I know it's very overdued but... yeah. Wilberg missed out on alot but I'm meeting that slut on Tuesday for dinner for some catching up.
Ok I have a lot to update but I'm very tired now. I know right, this place is dead. But life isn't for me..... it just became more happening.
If you're gonna judge me for not being upset and tearing over a breakup every other minute.. I'm just not the person to wallow in self-pity nor would I live in denial. I wouldn't say I'm not upset but I'm getting over and done with it. I'm moving on and I'm progressing great.
I guess friends are still forever. Everyone came to my rescue when I thought I no longer had friends anymore when I once had my made-pretend universe.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
You proved to me that feelings are not everything in a relationship.
You were never worth the sting because I'd never meant enough for you to fight to make me stay.
You were the one that made me stop believing that everyone would always only end up with the one they love.
Because, I didn't.
There won't be another weeping story to stir.
Because I'm not looking back on something I honestly thought would last me a lifetime, but to only leave me disappointed all over again after 5 years.
Was it worth it? For the moment, yes. But now I'm tainted, I can never be who I used to be. Nor can I find that piece of me that's been taken away for good.
One thing's for sure.
I'll only be walking forward.
I'll only be moving on.
Monday, November 2, 2009
is a tedious cycle of worrying, being frustrated, wanting more, never being satisfied and finding yourself ending up at square one again.Like how all these 'SMU' 'CAR' 'UNI' 'GOOD GRADES' 'GPA 3.5' words were ringing constantly in my mind at the beginning of this sem, I'm feel almost tempted to want to skip school tomorrow only because I feel like shit now when I just found out DBS charged me an overdraft interest of $20 when my account was only of negative balance of -$5.50 for WHAT, 12 hours?!??! Fuck my life already I need to fucking control my wants.
Not implying that I'm dreading school or anything whatsoever. I just don't feel like going to school tmr bcos I wanna lie in bed and sulk. I'm actually enjoying every bit of it in a pretty different way.. being in a totally foreign tutorial group and yet not feeling insecure in any way when you hardly know anyone makes you feeel damn... dua. HAHA. Idk how to explain it or maybe I can't find words too bcos I'm still feeling pissed about the overdraft interested thing.
Amazing when I only have this irritating face for comfort everyday. She told the class I had curly hair OF ALL THINGS... when we had ice breaking. Damn cheebye.
Gekpeng. I just received an sms from her minutes ago saying.. 'I hate your cam! Spoil my image sia. Delete those ugly pics!'
Yeah really very ugly. HAHHAHA. But amazing she hasn't untagged herself in Fb yet. Gekpeng is actually a very pretty girl, she still looks so cute when she tries to be ugly. Hor? Cannot say no, if not she cry.
Cheryl's suay day to take pictures. She had to wear specs that day bcos she had a mosquito bite on her eyelids LOL. FUCKING FUNNY.
Three of the bestest that makes me wanna go to school everyday. This picture is epic. We're all so different but why are we so close?!??!
Even when Peishi got such a guailan face she's still the best person in the world to be the only friend where I could have a Bully Buffet on when all I need to say is sorry after I'm done. It's just a cycle. She knows it too but she lets me bully her anyway.... unlimited that's why it's buffet hehhhhh.
She's been driving me around from block to block for the last week and to convenient places after school and even to KAP for Mcd with Cheryl during break!!!!! Feel so pampered I haven't been making use of my bus concession for my afterschool transport lately.... Fuck even Cheryl has her sis's C class to drive. Me leh? :(
I started this entry feeling very pissed about the overdraft interest thing but right now I suddenly feel a tad bit happier when I talk about them. Maybe I should go to DBS tmr after school and give my puppy eyes and hopefully they'll gimme back my 20 bucks.... Mer.
Omg I just said I'll be going after school. Guess I'm going to school afterall.
