XXIV XI IX

Monday, March 22, 2010

Every other Sunday evening I find myself taking heavy steps slowly to the bus stop for a long bus ride back home, with long steady breaths and a sinking heart. It's the same bullshit every Sunday when I know it's another 5 weekdays to get through the motion before I get to see you again.

I could start missing you already even when I'm on the bus home, and I would read and re-read the short letters we would write to each other throughout the week we're apart, exchanging them when you're booked out. Felt stupid and dumb when you suggested it the first time round, but I did it anyway... And it became a sort of escapism whenever I needed you and knew you could never be there. It didn't feel like an obligation to write everyday, it was in fact, comfort to me when I could feel you in my days and vice versa for you as well.

I do my best to keep us together, doing everything possible within my reach and I know you are too. No, I'll never leave you in the lurch, no matter how numb or tired I may already feel holding us together.. Because I would only be lesser than what I am without you.

I know how you want this to both be our very last. Your actions speak so much more than the words standing by itself, the things you do and how much you've sacrificed in comparison to how much I've done. No one has ever made me feel as special as how you put me to be, and you do it without even trying.

Quitting is one thing that we've always argued about. I never thought I would hear those words rolling off your tongue ever. But today, you told me you're going to be quitting for me. You're quitting, when nicotine means so much to you that you were charged sneaking 2 extra ciggs for your smoke break while camping outfield. You're quitting, even when you knew I'd come to terms to accept that nicotine would never be out of your dictionary for life.

You know, it doesn't even matter if you failed quitting. The point is the real reason behind your decision made. It shows how much I mean to you.

And you have no fucking idea how much this means to me.

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