Let's start this bare
I should be dead asleep right now, should be mentally drained from what's been happening at home lately... But I know if I'd delayed this post it'll probably never ever happen forever.
Yes, I'm getting started on the stupid cliche new year post you see everywhere - the only diff is I have no resolutions because really... fuck resolutions la you tell me who follows them?!
(besides David that already succeeded in fufilling 4/5 of his resolution to steal his dad's car 5 times in the year.. First attempt down on new year itself)
So I'll prefer to conclude 2009, have a somewhat grand closure to a very meaningful year where I had lost some and gained more, somewhat balancing things out and also turning my life in another direction that's still pretty unknown(though hopefully good) to me.
The biggest loss I had in 2009 was my grandfather. Maybe I took it so hard because I'd never lost anyone dear to me even though I'm already 18. Those nights when I'm filled to the brim with regrets on how things could have been if I'd spent more time with him still do haunt me. It made me realise how much I must never make the same mistake with my grandmother, who still weeps at the thought of my grandpa every night till now.
His death woke me up along the way from a lot of ideas I had made-believed. The best wake-up call was how I tried to believe Sheldon was the one for me because of how much time and effort and blood I'd given up for 5 years to make things work for us, how I didn't want my time to go to waste and how I was afraid to let go because I wouldn't feel the same security. I disregarded the fact that I knew something was still amiss after all these years, something that could still make me feel so cold and alone. It was as if no words too great he had could console me and really make me feel better from the inside. I guess we both tried our best to keep this relationship alive for too long a time that it just drained us out altogether. It's been too much of a viscious cycle which we both have tried to escape now and then.
Did I regret ever loving him? Loving him and learning a lot more in the process about myself.. No I'd never regretted. But I'd definitely regretted holding too long on to something I knew was dead on the inside of me, to the extent where problems we had no longer stinged me, nor bring tears to my eyes. I had too much pride to put my ideas down to see the bigger picture of how genuine happiness should actually be.
If not for what I'd been through, I'll never be with Derek now. Because I'll never know how badly I genuinely want to be happy and I wouldn't have taken the initiative for things to happen. It made me realise how hard it's gonna be for me to chance upon another like him who I could be brutally honest with about almost anything, someone that really made me glow from the inside. Someone like him that puts his pride down for me, doesn't mind one bit to go through unneccessary judgements from people that couldn't stop harping over my past, never taking a minute's break on checking up on me when I'm not okay.. It was something he did so naturally even before we were together. How his words could magically ease my anxiety and how it could reassure me on everything and anything.. I really don't know how he does it.
He was probably the best gain I had for last year. Everyone says it's too fast to be sure of the situation, but I knew it was going to be something I want to go through anyway whether it was gonna turn out bad or good. I only wished we met earlier, met before my situation got so complicated. It's hard to tell how far we would go for now when things are just about to begin, but I really wouldn't want anything to screw up. Because for how I feel now.... I want to feel nothing less than this for always.
Most important pillars of strength - my friends. Those that have stood by me through the toughest times, accepted me for who I am, how I've evolved. Friends that I'd never expected to be concerned for me but still popped out of nowhere to make sure the words of concern got to me from them. You really won't wanna know how important you guys are, if not your head will get big. If I were to start naming everyone out.. the list would never end because I feel like the luckiest girl to have so fucking many great friends around me it never makes me feel cold.
I've lost a friend who I actually thought could have lasted me a true friendship, or at least it was one-sided I guess. My mum was right about how only time will tell a person, and I couldn't blame anyone but myself for the lack of judgement I had in my selection of friends. I did my best to salvage it only to realise that it wasn't worth the shot in any case. Well I'm not saying this was a loss, it was more of a gain for me.. probably learnt alot more in losing her than to still have her as a friend.
I was definitely a very judgemental person, because I'd never been the one in the eyes of judgement itself before till what's been going on right now. I'd been too quick to judge and too opinionated on many issues for my own good that now that I've realised it's wrong to say that I've changed.
It was only realising more about myself, and only being even more of who I truly am.
Long post, I know.
Definitely hoping for a even better year to come.
2010, hi.
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