Kiss me and it'll heal, but it won't forget
I thought my freedom would have been infinite ever since I got the whole house to myself when both my folks are now away in Europe since Saturday.. I guess the tables turned and I've been taking the responsibility of everything that my mum had when she was still in SG.
My grandfather's has been at SGH for the past two weeks after since his operation to clear his cancer cells in the lungs. He was infected at the lungs after the operation, we thought it would have been a minor issue when he started picking up three days after the surgery was done. Now, his heart rate is at a count of 140, he can't even respond verbally when I talk to him, he's depending 70% on the oxygen machine for his breath - only 30% on his own.
The doctor told us on Tuesday to be prepared for whatever that might come. He put us on special request for anyone to be able to visit him despite being posted in the ICU, despite the H1N1 precaution where they only limited 2 visitors per patient. We were even able to visit him anytime when visiting hours were restricted from 12-2, 5.30-8.
He told us we were heading the wrong direction with his condition slipping and slipping. He didn't want us to be hopeful in how he's been rejecting every single antibiotic so far to clear the phlegm in his lungs.
It's times like these I wished I had a god to pray to, to believe in and have faith hoping that everything would be fine. I hate the sight to see my grandmother crying and being worried everyday, always chanting prayers by his bedside while she's dressed in a surgeon gown and plastic gloves within the glass room. We can't even feel him skin to skin when we hold his swollen hands for comfort.
The difficult part about this whole thing is always breaking the news to my parents everyday through overseas calls on how he's been, how weak he has become and how he's been asking for my mum, only mouthing her name without the strength for a voice to speak. Every other time when I told my mum about his condition, I could feel her tears trinkling down as well, with her voice quivering. I know how she's caught in the middle on being with my dad on this business/holiday trip, something they've been planning since 3 months ago to be travelling from Turkey to Italy, and then to France and Morocco, and wanting to be by my grandfather's side for she'd always been the most important and capable child to handle everything, even being the best person to console my grandmother.
I've been doing my best to accompany my grandmother everyday to the hospital, reassuring her even though we have a communication breakdown with my broken Hokkien and only basic Mandarin. I've been trying to take over tasks my mum had been doing when she was around, sending my grandmother to the hospital but the best I could do is to hail a cab because she's quite weak for public transport. I'm reassuring her when I can't even reassure myself that everything would be okay, when I've always been controlling tears when I'm with her or my other relatives. It's a chain reaction of breakdowns; when one of us starts to cry at the waiting room, everyone else would start as well.
The only person I could really put everything out to is when I'm with Sheldon, and time for us has been precious when half my day is taken up at the hospital and the other half is left for me to put up a front to try to forget about it and make the best out of everything that he puts me in comfort with.
I was never aware I would have been so affected by how I would probably lose my grandfather to death. Maybe because I had never lost a close kin in life, and would never be ready to. Everything else suddenly seemed secondary to me, everything else I thought I would care about the most suddenly lost its meaning altogether. All that I want now is to see him being discharged, and everything else wouldn't matter. He has fought through so much since 5 years ago..
Hopefully my mum could get tickets back home earlier as she planned to, even though I told her not there was no need to be jumping on the next available flight possible.
I need her here as well to tell me things will be okay.
5 Comments:
things will be okay, abby :) have hope.
your grandpa will be on my mind and even though i don't pray, i'll think about him before i sleep and that if he passes on, he'll have a painless one.
hope you're fine aby. stay strong. :)
I suck at consoling but I'm thinking of you! Cheer up =]
all my love.
call me if you need some company. x
hello abbeh. have faith alright. but then again, when u think of it, it's better that he goes rather than he suffers even more. cheer up :)
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