XXIV XI IX

Friday, March 2, 2012

HI.. guys?

I feel weird posting as if someone will be reading this because this page has been dead for more than a year. But I'll never bear to delete them memories even when they're not the best to keep.

Its 2012, and this year has been the best so far. I finally found that one person that made me believe in everything I lost hope for, for the longest time and I've haven't been this close to my girls for awhile as well since I mellowed down on partying and getting drunk 3days a week on average... And the best part is I'm on really good terms with the folks as well.

Looks like I've finally set myself in perspective, and this would be a phase in life where good memories would be forged so I'm seriously considering into going back to blogging again... But I'm not sure if I'll still be as religious about it as I used to be. Hello, I'm 21 alr and if I'm gonna be blogging everyday I'll be a fucking joke that has no life la ok.

Anyway. It's 5 in the morning and I have to pick Ben up in a bit and meet Xin at CCK before that for brunch so god forbid that I overslept.

Will revamp this place in a bit. Love you.... Whoever's reading this fml feel so dumb talking to thin air.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Dreaming of a whiiiiite christmas

I had one of the simplest and best christmas ever this year.

Derek and I baked cookies - pre-mixed Better Cooper's cookies cos... We couldn't cope with the hurt to know we'll probably fail if we did the traditional start-from-scratch recipe. HAHAHAHHA.

We took 5 fucking hours for 200 over cookies. Gonna wrap it up and give the girls tomorrow; Terrence Vincent and all ate half the share under his void deck just now... Freaking monsters.

I count down to Christmas playing 'Dreaming of a white xmas' on youtube under his void deck while the rest were debating on whether to Mahjong Poker L4D etc etc and when it was like 0:00 on the iPhone I exclaimed to all of them 'MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!' and no one gave a shit about me.

...Hurt or what?

Headed to Barrage after that with the rest, and then back to ole' Kalland Macs. It was really simple, but it made me feel so safe and warm.

Or at least it looks this way. Maybe I'm still in denial..... Things still might not be ok but then again maybe it's always gonna be okay.

I hope things will get better for the both of us.

Should start taking notes of my life down again. Been missing out too much on not putting details of my life down in words. I blame this on Twitter I've been the spam bitch on everyone's timeline every since this social network that restricts your thoughts to 140 characters sucked the life out of me, that I had none for Blogger no more.

Leaving for BKK in the wee hours of 26th morning, Jiaxin and I are going to have a blast!!!!!

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMASS!!!!

(kisses bye bye bye bye bye)

(notice it's the first time I blogged here even though I was feeling perfectly ok?? I loved today and I wished everyday would be like this)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Your mouth's too stiff

Just apologise when you're wrong.

What so fucking difficult about that?

Can't take not being important anymore.

Monday, November 1, 2010

That will be, and always stay, broken

Looks like I'm always here when I'm upset.

I can't tell you anything anymore without making you feel tired of me. You're already between my fingers before I start losing grip of everything, of us, of what we had, and of you.

I can't tell you that I can never completely get over what I felt yesterday, I can't tell you into your face that no one has ever made me feel so unwanted in my life before... So replaceable, so insignificant. It's always going to be a scar, and when it heals and leave a mark, I'm always going to remember every single bit of what I went through to get used to this pain.

I can't tell you everything about how I know the more I act this way, the more I'll be pushing both of us apart. That was why you even spoke to her in the first place - because you finally thought it through that after all this time, she's the one that understood you and I never did from the start.

I can't tell you that you were what I chose to have from the start. You were the choice that I fought through hell for to have what we have today. I threw away the idea of stability because I knew what I felt for you was a gamble I had to take to feel happier and alive. And maybe all these while, you were too afraid to tell me, or even yourself, that I was only what you settled for.

I can't cry anymore, I'm out of tears. Every other time I do cry, all I do is undo the stitches I sew on myself in the day and open them up to remember how it feels like to really be hurt by someone you gave up everything for. In day I close them, in night they pry themselves wide open.

I can't bear to show my insecurity, my weaknesses.... Truth is, I'm not the strongest girl you've ever known, I only pretend to be. Because I believed I will be strong as long as I could always continue to pretend to be strong.

I know I said to live it up to me to make things right, but I realised I can never feel the same way about you anymore. Because I broke, and there will always be this gut in me to hold back for what's installed for us. I broke my own faith in us, I broke my faith in thinking we were strong enough to go through everything together.

I can't tell you to do anything about this, because you would have no idea how it feels to think you're sharing. I can't tell you any of these because I'll look like that typical fucked and screwed up girlfriend that doesn't allow her boyfriend to walk near any girl within the 3metre radius.

And what's the point of holding you back from doing what you want to do? You're with me but you won't be mine.

I can't tell you to show me that you love me the same, or love me more. I can't tell you to make all these feelings go away, to reassure me because maybe you shouldn't. I can't tell you that I feel like you can never totally be mine again.

I can't tell you anything because I never felt more pathetic in my life to be so scared of losing you when you finally realise you can't handle me anymore.

And when tomorrow comes, I can't tell you that from tonight onwards, I'll be breaking just a little slowly, bit by bit.

I can never ever fucking have the guts to tell you anything, anymore.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Back

I'll hate to say that I've abandoned this space, because there was never a long phase of my life that I've stopped blogging. I always end up taking notes, details, and minutes of my life some way or another in a written form.

And this is just another night of my end teenage life crisis, that I've decided to hit the Blogger page. School is starting soon, my bucket list of the holidays are far from checked. And I wished I had more time for everything.

I don't ever want this summer love to end.

http://vodkalisque.tumblr.com
You'll probably see me there more often.